A mother’s heart

I was fixing our printer today and as I was testing it… this printed off. Tyler is a few months away from being 19 now, not living at home and is well on his journey; re-establishing old relationships, finding the balance in honoring his parents – he will be headed to New Zealand to play Rugby this fall. He is truly a real man!

Life is short, and as your kids start leaving home, you realize you have but a breath with them… here is a piece of Lisa’s heart; she wrote this on the night of his 18th birthday.
 
Tonight I threw an 18^th birthday party for my son, Tyler…Through out the evening Tyler would put his arms around me, kiss me on the forehead, and say, “thank you for all this mom, this is a great party.” Tyler is no small, feeble boy; he is 6’3 and 180 lb of solid muscle. His kisses, hugs and appreciation is literally air to my lungs. Tyler is not my biological son; he is technically my “step-son”. He was eight years old when he entered my life, this of course was not his choice, he was heartbroken over the end of his parent’s marriage, but he was always a perfect gentleman to me. Tyler was and is a strong, solid man. He took it upon him self the responsibility to protect his dad, his birth mom, and his brothers and strangely enough…me. My heart broke over Tyler’s pain, and I vowed to never add to it, but to love him, support him, and be a true mother to him. Raising these three boys I began to understand how adoptive moms felt when they would say to their adopted children “you did not grow in my belly, but you grew in my HEART”. Tyler indeed has grown deeply in my heart, I can not imagine loving him more, and I have never had to face my own fears more intently…Until now, Tyler has been with his dad, his brothers, his sisters and me…He has been safe…

Tonight the revelation of what “18” means by the worlds standard hit me hard as I washed the remaining food residue off my platters, I began to weep. Not, because I don’t trust him, not because I am not confidant that we have not done all we could do to prepare him for the next season of his life. My tears did not represent anything other than grief over the ending of an era…our little boy was now a “man”, and our everyday influence on his life was coming to an end. Now is the beginning of a great test, for him, and for us. Would he remember all the scripture his dad read over him every morning before he left for school? Would he remember all the camping trips we took by the lake, the boat, the stories around the campfire, the laughing until we cried?  Would he think of all the long drives in the mountains every time he hears Tim McGraw or Bon Jovi, and picture all 8 of us singing every word? Would he remember Africa, the death, the pain, the beauty, the way we leaned on each other in a deeper way, because we were all we had there? Would he remember back to school shopping, Christmas Eve with the house busting with friends and family, and all the tears, praying and crying together as a family? Will he raise his family like we have raised him? The test is here, the time is now. How much pain awaits him, how much joy will fill his soul? It is all unknown, the chapters have yet to be written, and so all I can do is wait, trust, pray, believe….and be a mom. I will watch him walk out his journey, make mistakes, get bumped and bruised, turn away, and turn back…just like we all do. This much I KNOW, I will BE HERE, with open arms, loving him, and doing in all I can to not add to his pain, but to be a safe place for him to fall, no matter what. He keeps growing in my heart, every morning when I see his sweet smile, and everyday I am more aware, just how blessed I am to be his mom, or his step- mom, or just his fathers wife…the title does not matter to me, all that matters his my sweet and amazing boy, everyday I have had with him is nothing less than an extravagant gift, and every moment I spend is his presence I am more compelled to do be a true mother, and love him even more than I did the day before, with no expectations from him, except that he will be true to his self, and be the man of God he was created to be…and that is enough!