Fathers, Repent to Your Sons

A great blog from Seth Barnes on how we as fathers and mothers ought to repent to our kids, especially those getting ready to leave the nest:

I have what I consider to be great relationships with my kids, but
here’s my report from the other side of this transition: Each of them
has, of their own initiative, come to me to debrief some painful aspect
of childhood that I unwittingly had a part in. The sad part is, I was
clueless about it and they had never wanted to hurt my feelings.

Every
time a different child came to have “the talk,” it was hard. I can’t
tell you the remorse I felt for the fact that they had to carry this
painful part of their lives by themselves. We have few secrets in our
home, but for whatever reason, each child could not bring themselves to
confront the situation earlier.

Each came to me and said, “Dad, I’d like to talk to you about
something when you’ve got time.” Internally I thought, “Gulp, here it
comes – all that effort over the last 18 years and still I have failed
my kiddo in some way.” But I gathered up my courage, realizing that, if
it was hard for me, it was probably even more difficult for them.

So here’s what I would do differently and here’s my advice: If
you’re a parent approaching the empty nest phase of life, let me
suggest you brace yourself for and even initiate this debrief, making
sure it’s thorough and honest. And it will probably be easiest for
everyone if you will search your heart and ask God to show you any pain
that you have caused them.

If you want your child to make a good transition, it is essential
for you to own any pain that he or she has stuffed. The temptation is
to defend or explain your bad parenting. Let me be clear: Do not do
this! The conversation will probably feel extraordinarily tender for
both of you, but as the parent, you have always had the power and now
must use that to help them move thru their pain and into a new phase of
autonomy.

Specifically this means you need to repent to your child not only for anything you did that was hurtful and wrong, but anything that they took in the wrong way
as well. That’s where I messed up – I simply had no idea. Remember,
this transaction is not about you; it is about helping your child to
leave the nest with as little baggage as possible.

Actually, I probably got lucky. My kids initiated our debrief. This
may not be the case for many of you. Because your child finds the whole
subject supremely awkward and does not trust you to shut up and take
your lumps, you have the delicate task of trying to make it safe for
them.

Probably the only way to do this is to make a list of all the ways that you may have hurt your child and repent to them for it.

Depending on how deep the pain you caused and how frigid the
atmosphere in the room, you may need to begin by writing a letter to
your child. The point of the letter is to create the possibility of a
conversation where you repent as completely and clearly as possible. If
you bobble the ball and give even a hint of defensiveness or
manipulation, you may delay the process for a year or two. My advice to
you fathers is, be a man and take your lumps.

To get you thinking, here’s a list of things you may need to repent for:

1. If you disciplined them out of anger.
2. If you neglected them at some point as they grew up.
3. If you yelled at them or abused them in some way.
4. If you failed to love your spouse as you should have.
5. If you didn’t protect them adequately (from pornography, from
   violent video games, from the opposite sex, from family members, from
   abuse).

This list could go on and on. The point is, you want to help launch
your kid out into the world well. But, given what’s happened to them
that you may be ignorant of, it’s going to be hard – it will require a
lot of you. I recommend taking a day to fast and pray. Ask God to
reveal anything you need to repent for in their upbringing. Review each
phase as thoroughly as possible with God. Write down in a journal
anything he shows you. Then, follow through and release your child of
their baggage. It will be the best graduation gift you ever gave them.